God's Call And Gentle Rebuke In My Life

God's call on my life to ministry and the subsequent journey has been one of joy, searching and many personal battles. I don't recall ever resisting God's call in my life to go into ministry. I remember feelings of fear, lack of confidence and a general sense of apprehension but in my best perception of things I didn't resist. I might have moved cautiously but I placed my future in God's hands.

I can remember sitting at my desk in my childhood room up in Erie, Pa. I was somewhere around nineteen or twenty (give or take a year). I think I had already quite my job as a drafter and a machinist for Pendelton Tool Co. I was at that point considering what I would go to college for. It hadn't really crossed my mind before but out of no where the Lord spoke to me (no burning bush, just a small whisper that was as clear as glass to my mind). He basically told me that I should move in the direction of my passion. Immediately my thoughts swung to the Bible which I believe was sitting in front of me on the desk. My greatest passion in life was God's Word. I am so confident in this that if you were to ask any of my family and friends what my passion was back then they would answer you, God or God's Word.

So I entertained the thought for a bit. What would that entail, what would my next steps be, did I have what it takes to be in ministry and on the questions poured out. My initial feelings on the whole matter were fear. I can't be a pastor or a youth minister I thought. I don't have the people skills and so on and so on. The only thing God really said in answer to these questions was that I needed to trust him. I remember saying to God (I may have even said it out loud though I can't remember for sure), "If this is what I should do I will leave it up to you to make straight my path and to make me adequate to the task."

I knew at that point if ministry was what God wanted I probably should seek out some training and development. Thus I began my search for a college. In the mean time I began to bounce my new direction off of godly people who I trusted. Most people encouraged me but some said that I couldn't be a pastor because I was way too much of an introvert. It was true - I was debilitating shy back then but God would eventually lead me out of that. God also moved me into ministry in such a way that I hardly noticed what was happening and before I knew it I was an associate pastor. God is good.

Now I have entered my seventh year of ministry and God is continuing to develop me. Recently God showed me a few things about myself that broke my heart.

1. My disobedience along the way has seemed a small thing in my eyes

2. I have used my relationship with God as a lucky charm. I have seen my relationship with God as a way to increase my own prestige and honor. The greater my relationship with Him, the greater my ministry and leadership will be I thought. Now I am realizing the depravity of my own heart in this area.

3. My own fleshly ambitions and desires have stood in the way of me receiving what God is willing to give.

God really is good because only His truth (and all truth is God's truth) could reveal such wickedness in me. May I be wrapped in a cloak of purity and humility in the next stage of my life and obedience to his call. The Love of the Lord endures forever!