Learning About Myself

At first I embraced grad school. I wanted - no, I needed the challenge. The thought of learning and expanding my understanding was thrilling to me. I was like a bull attacking a matador's red cape.  Now as I am half way through grad school, I'm starting to feel the drain of the routine and work. This last half will definitely be more challenging than the first because of the perseverance it will take. However, I should mention that despite the routine and work, I am still excited about what I am learning, particularly, what I am learning about myself. To me, what I learn about myself is worth the education. Most other learning is like a guideline because culture changes, technology changes, systems change and customs change. What I learn today while it will help guide me, it certainly is no map. The map has to be created by each individual. If a leader can't create a map (be a trial blazer), then he/she is not a leader. But what you learn about yourself will be useful the rest of your life - even as you change.

1. I am not my job, I am my work. 
I am not defined by my job as an an associate pastor.  I am not defined by the job description or by what others expect I should be like as an associate pastor. Rather I am defined by the work I do; not only the work I do as an associate pastor but the work I invest in as a person. If I merely minister as an associate pastor then I am not investing myself in what I do. I do the work of ministry as Dan Altimus. That means my work is an emotional labor, unscripted, and uncharted and it involves personality, transparency, creativity,  generosity and boldness. If I am only willing to invest minimally into my work, then people will know me by my work and will rightly judge that I am either greedy, selfish or lazy. But if I create, invest and paint boldly with passion then people will know me by my work and judge that I am committed and am a person who is even possibly worth listening to.

2. I need to teach people to solve problems and quite trying to solve the problems myself
This is a hard one for me because I always want to look like the person who knows what they are doing (really this is pride). My perception of leadership is a person who can meet every problem head on and whip it. However, leadership is not simply about solving problems it is about teaching others how to solve problems and encouraging them to take risks and try new things. All I can say here is that this is going to be a tough thing to change in my own life. Just a short while ago I was preparing an agenda for a leadership meeting I have coming up and I was writing on the paper broad solutions that this leadership team needed to take. I caught myself! I then went back and rephrased things so that I was asking questions about the problem to help us find solutions together and to teach them that in all reality they don't need me to do ministry.  

3. The very things that can make me better at my work are available to me
It is easy to form a mindset that what you need to really be successful is just out of reach. This mindset of course gives you an excuse for not being dynamic. Perhaps I have held to this excuse because of my fear of failure. So what are those things that can help me become better – even dynamic in my work? For each person they are different but for me they begin with, letting go of the fear of failure, embracing the creative side of my personality, being more honest and transparent with people, and talking openly about my insecurities. 

4. Use the system and defend the people.

Generally people do the opposite of this. They use people and defend the system. I see this all the time with people in the church who resist change in the system even to the point of sacrificing effective ministry to others. I like challenging the system some, however, after a while I find that systems have a way of making you feel secure (this is generally why people don't want systems to change). As soon as a system makes you feel secure, there is a danger of putting it before the people (perhaps someone from our government should read this). My desire is to defend people and use the system to aid the people but sometimes out of fear, convenience or comfort I do the opposite. I am renewing my efforts to do it the right way, to defend people and use the system. The system is only good if it aids people in accomplishing the goal. systems are made for people; people are not made for systems. 

5. I am terrified of failure

How many times have I not taken the initiative because I was afraid I would fail? How many times have I played it safe instead of really making a difference because I was afraid to fail? I am sorry to say that the number is more than I care to admit. However, the good news is that I recognize this and am seeking to overcome that fear. Fear can be good sometimes because it warns you of danger but other times fear keeps you from doing something great or important. Most recently my fear has centered around developing leaders. I wanted to run away but alas I see the fear and am committing myself to developing leaders even if I have to figure out how (and I do, and I will). I of course need God's wisdom, and  power - his power to bear fruit in the unqualified, scarred and otherwise un-brilliant (I couldn't bring myself to say stupid) person I am. from now on I will not let my fears be in the drivers seat. 

There are other things I could mention but that is a good start. I think those things were worth the school work - though sometimes I wonder if they are worth a lifetime of school debt I continue to acquire.